Choosing Your Social Relationships, Part 2: Friendship in the Present

Social Filtering 2: Friendship in the Present—Do Not “Seek Approval”; Stay Away from “People Waiting for You to Prove Yourself and Evolve”

I. Stay Away from “People Waiting for You to Prove Yourself and Evolve”

Stay away from “people waiting for you to prove yourself and evolve.” I also wrote about this idea in *Living in the Present*, where I called it “friendship in the present”:

Anyone who cannot accept you as you are in the present is not a friend. I used to have some friends I felt I was “reaching above my station” to befriend. They “earnestly” hoped I would improve, often offering “honest advice that is hard to hear.” I was often moved by this: they did not look down on me, they accommodated me, and they offered me guidance. I always felt that I was just a little short, that in a few more years I could satisfy them and finally enter a world of complete harmony. After turning 30, I realized that these people had not helped me grow, and their words, though hard to hear, were not honest advice either. My own “liking” and “approval” of them also had more to do with their aura than with anything substantial. People who do not approve of you will never approve of you. Their rejection of you is often an outward projection of their own self-rejection, or simply a narcissist’s greed, anger, and delusion. Many people simply lack the capacity to love, support, or nurture others. If someone cannot appreciate you as you are in the present, that is a clear sign of an unhealthy relationship. Do not befriend them. This applies even more to romantic relationships.

Never try to prove yourself. Proving yourself is toxic, futile, and leaves you harmed.

II. The Reason: Shift from the “Competition, Interviews, Competitive Selection, and Involution” Mindset of Ages 15–25 to a Personal-Brand Mindset of “Being Yourself + Helping One Another Succeed and Collaborating”

(1) Competitive Selection and Involution

Between the ages of 15 and 25, there is male and female competition for romantic partners, pressure from public opinion in communities and social circles, interviews for graduate school or public-sector positions, job interviews, and the experience of “being interviewed and evaluated” when networking upward at work.

These situations, concentrated so densely, stir up insecurity and inferiority–superiority complexes. They drive people to “strive,” “prove themselves,” and “objectify themselves, turn themselves into tools, and mold themselves to fit the rules.” The prevalence of NPD and PUA in a society of involution makes all this worse.

Generally, after 30, people gradually begin to shift. Their inner core matures, they seek less from outside themselves, develop more self-acceptance, and pursue less approval from others. They become a little more at ease.

(2) Be Yourself and Quietly Await Respect and Recognition

To survive and get by in modern society, you need to be yourself and build your personal brand and capital. Let go of the mindset of competitive selection, vicious competition, male competition, and involution, and shift toward self-realization, helping one another succeed, and collaboration.

That is why I say: do not “seek approval”; quietly await respect and recognition. Approval still fundamentally places you in a subordinate position, being evaluated, objectifying yourself, diminishing yourself, and turning yourself into a tool. It is not only seeking externally, but also catering to external demands. That is massage therapist No. 8’s pursuit of the boss’s favor and tips. Whether with friends, clients, collaborators, or business partners, quietly await “respect and recognition.” Those who do not “respect and recognize” you will never “approve of you.” And often, they are merely using that “approval” to manipulate you through PUA tactics and keep you dangling. Or perhaps it is not “intentional,” but it already amounts to PUA and exploitation in practice.

(3) It Is Not About “Becoming a Better Self,” but About Being Yourself Better

I wrote about this in *Innate Wholeness*:

Being human is not a process of addition and evolution, nor of becoming stronger and better.

Stop the illusory, dreamlike transformations of the little ego, and return to the eternal wholeness and tranquility of your original self.

“Becoming a better self” is a toxic concept. It is about being yourself better. In pursuing the Way, diminish day by day; return to infancy, return to your original self. It is not about so-called addition and evolution.

It is like dark clouds dispersing, returning to the sky, empty of everything. The dark clouds have not “evolved” into the sky. The sky is who you originally are, not a better version of yourself.

Friendship in the present allows me to live in the present.

Those who do not offer friendship in the present, who work against me, keep me from living well in the present, entangle me in karmic obstructions, and sever my connection with myself.

Those who offer friendship in the present, who help me flourish, allow me to rest securely in the present, with everything as it truly is, living in the present, whole in the present.