The Covert Aggression Widespread in East Asian Families

An important concept in psychodynamics is covert aggression. People feel anger, and anger does not disappear. It is only repressed, then turned against oneself or expressed as covert aggression toward others. Repression is central to Freud.

Common examples include a man withdrawing into cold indifference and avoidance, and a woman smashing pots and bowls. There is also coldness in speech, comparison with others, avoidance, belittling, the silent treatment, and so on. More complex forms include excessive, self-punishing giving, used to morally attack and belittle others.

The root of covert aggression lies in the feudal hierarchy of East Asian families: male dominance, patriarchal authority (including mothers-in-law), and moral blackmail. Much oppression, little affection. The weaker, dependent party lower in the hierarchy feels anger but cannot express aggression openly, lacking both power and affection. “Violent communication,” rather than “the art of loving.”

That is why covert aggression is most common in relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. First, it is an attack on patriarchal authority—the father-in-law and mother-in-law—with the mother-in-law being the weaker target. Second, as the older generation ages and loses power, the center of power in the East Asian family shifts, and a new mother-in-law rises: a struggle between the empress and the empress dowager.

This kind of covert aggression is also common among people of the same generation: siblings, sisters-in-law, and so on. Some factors arise within that generation itself: competition, peer pressure, envy, and jealousy. But another layer is their resentment toward parents and elders, which they cannot release. One reason is the intense moral pressure of East Asian demands for blind loyalty and blind filial obedience. Another is that the parents are fragile in body, mind, and the self, and cannot withstand aggression—in the psychoanalytic sense. So the aggression is directed toward peers or younger generations.

Displaced aggression makes up a large part of covert aggression. That is why the root of many family problems lies in an irresponsible, absent, fragile, and distorted pivotal figure: the head of the household, the father, who fails to fulfill his role.

One common root of mental illness is “children becoming their parents’ parents”: taking on their parents’ problems, trying to save their parents and the family. The insecurity and anxiety of the family of origin, along with the parents’ problems, combine with a child’s immature omnipotent narcissism and profound love, twisting them into a superhuman drive to rescue that is too much to bear. “Cultivate oneself, bring order to the family, govern the state, and bring peace to the world.” What Hellinger called a disruption of the family order.

A. Wanting to be the family of origin’s “psychotherapist.” But being a psychotherapist is very difficult and carries occupational risks of psychological harm, let alone when a minor is dealing with uncooperative middle-aged or elderly people.

B. Wanting to be the family of origin’s people-pleaser, the one who papers over the cracks, sacrificing oneself to keep everyone happy. You repress yourself, engage in covert aggression and self-directed aggression, and also become a pressure-release valve, a punching bag. Large amounts of covert aggression are redirected toward the people-pleaser. The stronger the people-pleaser, the more aggression is redirected toward them, until it may even become overt aggression. As a line delivered by Jiang Wen puts it: “Good people are the ones who have to have guns pointed at them.” Wanting to be the peacemaker in a Chinese family riddled with conflict—common among young people aged 20–28—is a form of immaturity, foolishness, conceit, a rescue complex, and role reversal, treating oneself as the parent. It also reflects a failure to understand the deeper needs and resentments of everyone involved. Ending up under fire from all sides, blasted until you are wounded all over, is the natural result.

Once the people-pleaser, this punching bag, finally explodes, no one remains to paper over the cracks and maintain the family’s appearance of harmony. The dream of being the people-pleaser, of cultivating oneself, ordering the family, governing the state, and bringing peace to the world, shatters. Yet without the people-pleaser, the family of origin remains much as it always was. Nothing as terrifying as the people-pleaser imagined happens, and the family moves toward its natural dissolution.

When people in my family of origin direct overt aggression at me, I feel hurt and distance myself. But after coming to understand psychodynamics, I found an unusual source of comfort. First, the other person dares to express aggression. For better or worse, their self is no longer weak. Second, it shows that I am good enough, robust enough in other people’s eyes, ironic though that is.

For those already caught up in it: first, separate your responsibilities from other people’s. Do not try to save anyone. Respect other people’s destinies. Do not intervene in their problems or their causes and consequences. Let go, cut ties, and keep your distance. Second, dare to express anger. Being authentic is always right, and authentic feedback benefits both parties. Bottling things up only leads to covert aggression, like the Seven-Injury Fist, which wounds the wielder as well as the opponent. Third, firmly refuse to be the people-pleaser or the one who papers over the cracks. That is foolishness and suicide.

Those who have yet to enter this situation, who have not yet formed a family or had children, must proceed with caution. Without a high degree of love, respect, and maturity on both sides, it is difficult to weather the tides of the times.