An Ego of Grief, Fear, and Alarm: The Night Watchman Ego

Working well and resting well, balancing work and rest, is rather difficult.
A jumble of work and downtime: so busy my head spins, so tired my brain is foggy, stiff from sitting too long, with energy and blood unable to circulate.
When I am exhausted to the point of collapse, my mind is still turning over a serious (severe) issue, wondering, “Why is XX avoiding me?”
This self-scrutiny is not awareness, nor is it the observer ego or the homework-doer ego. It resembles the big Other.
Some facts about it:

It is always scrutinizing. In its eyes, I am not a living person who needs rest, who can break down and cry; it disregards the crushing exhaustion. I am no longer a living person, but a risk project that needs managing; other people are threats that need decoding.
It fears “losing control” and avoids the real self that is “incapable, mediocre, exhausted to the point of collapse.”
It is draining the last of my vitality to maintain its sense of control and safety, sucking out the last drop of blood, setting the last of my mental energy alight to power that searchlight of “I must stay alert.”
It tries to explain everything through reason and logic, especially the logic of social instrumentality, functionality, and survival.
From this perspective, I can see that it follows the logic of the big Other. This is my contract with the big Other, the internal big Other. The process of socialization beginning in secondary school is a process of submitting to the big Other (social discipline). I use the radar of the “big Other” to scan within and without. Inwardly, I search for every one of my “vulnerabilities” (loss of control, incapacity, mediocrity); outwardly, I analyze every instance of lost control and incomprehension.
But I can also see that it is my defense, my protection. Like a homeless child holding a dagger, like the stress response of a soldier in a trench, it is part of me.
II. Its name: the night-watchman ego.
Always uneasy, always scrutinizing, always gazing into the abyss, always keeping itself on edge.
III. Some of its characteristics:
The less mental energy I have, the more it wears me down internally.
The weaker my body and mental energy, the worse my condition, the more vigilant it becomes, and the more certain it is that it is right: “Look, it’s so dangerous. How could I dare to sleep?” The more vigilant it becomes, the worse my condition gets. The less mental energy I have, the more severe its stress reactions and internal depletion become. A vicious cycle when my health bar is in the red and my battery is low. Trench syndrome, mass panic in a camp of wounded soldiers.
Until I force a reboot myself, or some other quantitative or qualitative change occurs.
It is one factor in “The Mental-Energy Asthma Trap of the Petty and Micro Bourgeoisie”: despair and anxiety -> excessive exertion -> internal depletion through fixation, greed, anger, and delusion -> overdrawn libido and depleted mental energy -> hence despair and anxiety. This is a deadlock of internal mental-energy depletion. The situation itself may not actually be this serious.
Reason, this dagger, is its weapon for bloody bayonet combat: a machete, a mine probe, but also a scalpel and a spur it jabs into itself. It is fixated on reason; when reason cannot see clearly, it feels out of control, terrified, and on the verge of collapse. Fear of Cthulhu is part of Cthulhu’s power.
It does not understand human subjectivity, the usefulness of the useless, or unconditional existence. It does not understand the importance of relaxation and rest. It does not understand the innate wholeness of one’s true nature, that one’s true nature shines eternally and needs no guard.
The ego’s self-reinforcement:
Night mode: there is no night at all; it is part of the dark clouds obscuring the sunlight of one’s true nature.
Self-immolation as sacrifice mode: burning its remaining mental energy in an attempt to illuminate “something,” further worsening the state of my mental energy, it only sets itself alight.
Guard-duty mode: it believes the world is full of dangerous uncertainties that it must deal with immediately, or else a catastrophic narrative unfolds. What it guards is itself, not me. It forcefully occupies the mind, declaring a state of emergency and seizing power in the name of standing guard.
Loss-of-control mode: it manifests as an obsession with control, but it is part of the loss of control.
Dark-turn mode: it is one seed of the turn toward darkness in many people. Unrestrained draining of vitality, distorting perceptions in the name of reason, projecting inner tyranny outward, identifying with authoritarian power and order, attaching itself to the big Other and brute force, and so on. Inner tyranny is one link in the existence of outer tyranny.
Entanglement and resonance mode: it becomes wildly entangled and resonates with external karmic obstructions and other people’s karmic obstructions, each reinforcing the other.
IV. Some of its components: Working well and resting well, balancing work and rest, is rather difficult.
A jumble of work and downtime: so busy my head spins, so tired my brain is foggy, stiff from sitting too long, with energy and blood unable to circulate.
When I am exhausted to the point of collapse, my mind is still turning over a serious (severe) issue, wondering, “Why is XX avoiding me?”
Analysis by the Marx-Zhuangzi framework psychology agent: This is someone in a state of depletion scrutinizing themselves.
I. I was startled. This sentence is terrifying; it speaks the truth.
This self-scrutiny is not awareness, nor is it the observer ego or the homework-doer ego. It resembles the big Other. I want to name it.
Some facts about it:
It is always scrutinizing. In its eyes, I am not a living person who needs rest, who can break down and cry; it disregards the crushing exhaustion. I am no longer a living person, but a risk project that needs managing; other people are threats that need decoding.
It fears “losing control” and avoids the real self that is “incapable, mediocre, exhausted to the point of collapse.”
It is draining the last of my vitality to maintain its sense of control and safety, sucking out the last drop of blood, setting the last of my mental energy alight to power that searchlight of “I must stay alert.”
It tries to explain everything through reason and logic, especially the logic of social instrumentality, functionality, and survival.
From this perspective, I can see that it follows the logic of the big Other. This is my contract with the big Other, the internal big Other. The process of socialization beginning in secondary school is a process of submitting to the big Other (social discipline). I use the radar of the “big Other” to scan within and without. Inwardly, I search for every one of my “vulnerabilities” (loss of control, incapacity, mediocrity); outwardly, I analyze every instance of lost control and incomprehension.
But I can also see that it is my defense, my protection. Like a homeless child holding a dagger, like the stress response of a soldier in a trench, it is part of me.
II. I thought of a name: the night-watchman ego.
Always uneasy, always scrutinizing, always gazing into the abyss, always keeping itself on edge.
III. Some of its characteristics:
The less mental energy I have, the more it wears me down internally.
The weaker my body and mental energy, the worse my condition, the more vigilant it becomes, and the more certain it is that it is right: “Look, it’s so dangerous. How could I dare to sleep?” The more vigilant it becomes, the worse my condition gets. The less mental energy I have, the more severe its stress reactions and internal depletion become. A vicious cycle when my health bar is in the red and my battery is low. Trench syndrome, mass panic in a camp of wounded soldiers.
Until I force a reboot myself, or some other quantitative or qualitative change occurs.
It is one factor in “The Mental-Energy Asthma Trap of the Petty and Micro Bourgeoisie”: despair and anxiety -> excessive exertion -> internal depletion through fixation, greed, anger, and delusion -> overdrawn libido and depleted mental energy -> hence despair and anxiety. This is a deadlock of internal mental-energy depletion. The situation itself may not actually be this serious.
Reason, this dagger, is its weapon for bloody bayonet combat: a machete, a mine probe, but also a scalpel and a spur it jabs into itself. It is fixated on reason; when reason cannot see clearly, it feels out of control, terrified, and on the verge of collapse. Fear of Cthulhu is part of Cthulhu’s power.
It does not understand human subjectivity, the usefulness of the useless, or unconditional existence. It does not understand the importance of relaxation and rest. It does not understand the innate wholeness of one’s true nature, that one’s true nature shines eternally and needs no guard.
The ego’s self-reinforcement:
Night mode: there is no night at all; it is part of the dark clouds obscuring the sunlight of one’s true nature.
Self-immolation as sacrifice mode: burning its remaining mental energy in an attempt to illuminate “something,” further worsening the state of my mental energy, it only sets itself alight.
Guard-duty mode: it believes the world is full of dangerous uncertainties that it must deal with immediately, or else a catastrophic narrative unfolds. What it guards is itself, not me. It forcefully occupies the mind, declaring a state of emergency and seizing power in the name of standing guard.
Loss-of-control mode: it manifests as an obsession with control, but it is part of the loss of control.
Dark-turn mode: it is one seed of the turn toward darkness in many people. Unrestrained draining of vitality, distorting perceptions in the name of reason, projecting inner tyranny outward, identifying with authoritarian power and order, attaching itself to the big Other and brute force, and so on. Inner tyranny is one link in the existence of outer tyranny.
Entanglement and resonance mode: it becomes wildly entangled and resonates with external karmic obstructions and other people’s karmic obstructions, each reinforcing the other.
IV. Some of its components:
Anxiety and unease, traumatic stress -> defense, exertion, fixation. It is more than a defense against fear; it is part of the fear.
The internalized big Other.
The rational-person ego.
Identification as a victim: a subconscious identification formed in an environment of prolonged hostility, being drained, abandonment, and isolation. Some remaining legitimacy for protecting myself.
The catastrophizing ego: cognitive tunneling, catastrophic imaginings.
The self-sacrificer ego: it regards overextending myself and sacrificing my mental energy and vitality to accommodate external demands as normal means to an end, and considers it normal for a person to be sacrificed for some purpose. This is a means of making a sacrificial bargain with the big Other.
Cthulhu: it is Cthulhu’s true core, Cthulhu’s true tentacle. It is the Cthulhu within. Marx: The essence of the human being is the ensemble of social relations.
V. Directions for its dissolution:
Awakening -> stillness. With one’s true nature always present, the sentry becomes unnecessary and has nowhere to remain.
Financial security, psychological safety -> connection among the five essential elements of life -> a sense of safety.
Resilience of mental energy, recognizing the death spiral, and the experience and ability to recover from a tailspin.
The classic pattern for dissolving karmic obstructions: one’s true nature melts the solid ice -> fragments of mental energy return -> the self becomes healthier -> frequent tranquility, a virtuous cycle.
Anxiety and unease, traumatic stress -> defense, exertion, fixation. It is more than a defense against fear; it is part of the fear.
The internalized big Other.
The rational-person ego.
Identification as a victim: a subconscious identification formed in an environment of prolonged hostility, being drained, abandonment, and isolation. Some remaining legitimacy for protecting myself.
The catastrophizing ego: cognitive tunneling, catastrophic imaginings.
The self-sacrificer ego: it regards overextending myself and sacrificing my mental energy and vitality to accommodate external demands as normal means to an end, and considers it normal for a person to be sacrificed for some purpose. This is a means of making a sacrificial bargain with the big Other.
Cthulhu: it is Cthulhu’s true core, Cthulhu’s true tentacle. It is the Cthulhu within. Marx: The essence of the human being is the ensemble of social relations.
V. Directions for its dissolution:
Awakening -> stillness. With one’s true nature always present, the sentry becomes unnecessary and has nowhere to remain.
Financial security, psychological safety -> connection among the five essential elements of life -> a sense of safety.
Resilience of mental energy, recognizing the death spiral, and the experience and ability to recover from a tailspin.
The classic pattern for dissolving karmic obstructions: one’s true nature melts the solid ice -> fragments of mental energy return -> the self becomes healthier -> frequent tranquility, a virtuous cycle.