Everyone Suffers: On Deep Collapse and Deep Pain, Answering a Reader's Question, "Why Has Fate Been So Cruel to Me?"

I. Deep Collapse, Deep Pain

Psychological defense mechanisms serve to ward off more severe collapse.

Conceit and narcissism serve to ward off feelings of inferiority. Projection, denial, reaction formation, rationalization, and so on arise because one lacks the capacity to accept and contain things and needs to avoid the truth. The truth about oneself and one’s relationships: hostility, hatred, destructive urges, greed, anger and delusion, rage. Dissociation, isolation, regression, compensation, and so on serve to avoid the pain of trauma.

Surface psychological problems -> deep psychodynamic problems, collapse of the self; surface karmic obstructions -> deep karmic obstructions.

At the foundation of our inner world is innate wholeness; in its depths are fragmentation and clashing demonic forces; on its surface are turmoil and distortion.

The essence of these deep problems is fear, grief, and shame, which lie deeper than anxiety and depression.

Burdened with layer upon layer of karmic obstructions, people must still struggle in an alienated society, in an arena of fame, profit, and status-consciousness. All the demons run wild.

Be still, and quietly allow the tranquility of the essential self to heal inner demons and karmic obstructions.

Marx and Zhuangzi analyze the suffering of all people from the respective perspectives of historical materialism and fate, and speak of being at peace with one’s circumstances and accepting fate.

II. Why Does Fate Treat Me, of All People, So Badly?

An online reader asked:

Has anyone gone through this phase: feeling dissatisfied with past experiences and demanding to know why fate made me, of all people, go through these things? Fate treats me so badly that I want to treat myself even worse, attacking myself more and giving up on myself even more. I have been stuck in this phase for a long time and don’t know how to break through it. I wanted to ask whether you have any suggestions. Thank you.

This is a very good question.

1. This is a typical problem at the core. It isn’t a matter of “Have you experienced this?” It is probably something everyone struggles with. You are probably no stranger to psychology either. Inferiority and shame are issues everyone faces; no one is exempt. When people say, “Do not dwell on the past or worry about the future,” this is partly what they mean. While writing the preceding section, I also looked back at an article I wrote a while ago, “What Are the Roots of Self-Attack, Self-Doubt, and Toxic Shame?” You can search for it and read the section on toxic shame. Toxic shame is a deep form of trauma: feeling ashamed of being who you are, of your very existence, and not wanting to be yourself. Feelings of inferiority are similar—that sense of lowliness, helplessness, and fear of being controlled.

What does this all mean? These are extremely deep issues involving the core and the self. The thoughts and information in your mind are merely verbal expressions of these deep feelings, mixed with many inner demons of the ego. “Why does fate treat me, of all people, so badly?” is not a logical question; it is a deep feeling. Simple verbal insights, debate, philosophy, or feel-good platitudes cannot bring quick results.

I previously wrote “A Survivor, Rather Than a Victim: Facing Bad People and Bad Experiences.” Such formulations seem to address the unfairness of fate, but they cannot really persuade or heal. They are more often insights reached after healing has taken place.

1. Anything at the core can only be nurtured through rest and quiet. Live your life well, and let the essential self rest in tranquility and heal itself. This is precisely the central point of my preceding discussion. I previously wrote “Spiritual Cultivation Is a False Concept.” Its pace is beyond our control. We seek out mental health professionals and undergo therapy, but how effective it is does not come down to “effort.” It unfolds naturally, and its results and pace must also be allowed to take their natural course.

1. Many people often think this way when they are suffering: they feel that their fate is utterly terrible and attack themselves for being so inadequate. As they mature, things do indeed get significantly better, and they become more accepting of the past. At the heart of Zhuangzi’s philosophy is “being at peace with one’s circumstances and accepting fate.” There is much to say about this, far more than a sentence or two can cover. One aspect is that, as the core gradually becomes settled and tranquil, we seek less outside ourselves, practice living in the present, and experience more of the simple truth, goodness, beauty, happiness, and joy in life. Then life feels quite good. We are also less likely to feel that fate treats us badly. In Daoist philosophy, Heaven and Earth are not benevolent; they do not deliberately single anyone out.

1. Knowing that everyone has these problems can offer a little comfort. Part of “seeing all beings” is seeing that everyone suffers, which can bring a certain sense of release. Marxism is a story of good people. The healing that comes from studying Marxism lies in seeing the suffering so many good and great people endured and the sacrifices they made, and being moved by them.

1. See Heaven and Earth, see yourself, see all beings. Without ego or attachment, without the exercise of power or forced action, without desires or demands, without worries or cares. Be at peace with your circumstances and accept fate; let things take their natural course. The article “Zhuangzi on the Exemplary Person’s Steadfastness in Adversity” discusses being at peace with one’s circumstances and accepting fate through Confucius’s hardships. Of course, this is not directed at healing the core; it simply offers inspiration.

Really, the point is still to do what needs doing. In Japanese Morita therapy, let suffering take its natural course, and do what needs to be done in the present.

An online reader wrote: While swimming, it suddenly occurred to me that when I relax, the water can hold me up. If I can accept everything and live in the present, the world will hold me up. When I tense up, my muscles hurt. When I refuse to fully accept things as they are and cannot let go of my fixations, I am the one left hurting and tied in knots. Thank you. I understand now.

We are often tense and tied in knots, relying on brute force, because we lack confidence in innate wholeness and the tranquility of the essential self, and lack confidence in unconditional goodness. At the age of 30–35, it is especially important to settle down and discover that the water only reaches your waist, that it cannot drown you, and that you can stand up. My earlier article, “An Unsettled Mind Gives Rise to Countless Demons; a Settled Mind Gives Rise to Countless Ways,” was about this. It is the panic within and the frantic thrashing outside that drown a person. “The world will hold me up” must be one of the finest insights a swimmer can have. All forms of exercise, including swimming, help people become aware of relaxation and tension. Water also teaches people to move with what is.